“It matters not how strait the gate,
how charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”
William Ernest Henley
(1849 – 1903)
Now that the hoopla surrounding moving has died down, I want to share a gift I experienced during the darkest parts of that time.
The move wasn’t planned and it wasn’t pretty. There was some ugliness involved, but I won’t go into details out of decency. While trying to process said ugliness, I spoke to more than a few people about it. Over and over again, I heard the same response, “Doesn’t [that person] know about karma?” After a while of hearing that, it occurred to me that perhaps my own karma was somehow at play. If someone would show me such disrespect, what must I have done to deserve that?
I am truly a flawed human being. I know this. I also know that I endeavor to be as good a human being as I’m able. That means I do a lot of apologizing. I’m okay with that. But as I looked back and tried to remember choosing to mistreat and hurt someone to the extent I experienced recently, I was at a loss.
Still, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My karma. And as I drove a final carload of belongings to the hotel, it occurred to me that not caring for or knowingly mistreating oneself is just as bad as – if not worse than – mistreating another. That thought was immediately followed by thoughts of how I’ve limited myself and kept myself from growth in life. How I’ve sometimes not allowed myself to fully be.
I’m not talking about getting manicures here. I’m not talking about shopping. I’m talking about taking that chance when it’s placed before you. I’m talking about improving oneself, no matter how frightening it may be to take a class/walk/vacation/whatever. I’m talking about leaping, because friends, that net has never failed to appear. I’m talking about moving forward in life. I’m talking about jumping off cliffs.
And that’s when I felt it: that knowing I’d just had a revelation. Honestly, it felt like the sun was shining from within. The warmth trickled through my veins, outward from my heart. That new knowledge absolutely glowed. In me. From me.
Yes, the karma of others can be a factor. For them. This life of mine isn’t about anyone else’s karma. It is only about mine. And I am solely in charge of that. I am the keeper of my own light. And you know what? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this little light of mine – I’m gonna let it shine.