So. Lizards.



The lizards are at it again. (Rats and squirrels are at it, too, but I don’t care to discuss those little fuckers right now.) So. Lizards.


Since moving to the new pad, it has been lizards – not the vernal equinox – that have indicated the arrival of spring. I know this, because when lizards show up in the house, spring has sprung. And this year the damned lizards were doubly determined to make sure I got the memo.


It started in the morning. I walked into the kitchen and saw a very long piece of something on the floor by a cabinet. I word it this way because I wasn’t wearing glasses and for all I knew, I could have dropped a blackened banana peel on the floor. Of course, I hadn’t done any such thing, but hey – it was possible. So I left the room, donned my specs and returned to the kitchen. Nope – not a banana peel. I was looking at a lizard, about 8 inches in length. I didn’t just meet these lizards, so I got a big bowl and did my best to catch the little dude.


An hour or two later, I spotted a second lizard. This one was creeping into the kitchen, along the same path as the first. I went for the bowl, but was too slow. That little asshole climbed into a book case and cocked his head at me, as if to suggest there was no way I was ever going to get him. I swear – at one point he actually lunged for me. Lunged, I say! As I was in no mood to play games with some lizard I barely knew, I told him he had pissed me off and that he’d blown it. I went for the vacuum cleaner.


Two lizards in one day was too much. I started looking around, trying to determine their entry point. There was a gap beneath the doors in the sitting room, but it was so friggin’ small! Still, I figured the little assholes were coming in some place nearby, so I went to my supply box, grabbed some weather seal and stuck it on the bottoms of the doors and that was that. It must have worked, as I’ve not found another lizard in the house. Either that, or they’re getting better about sneaking around. And if that’s the case, could they please eat a few of the damned spiders? Come on, lizards. Work with me here!


That was a weird 2-lizard day. It was also the first time I’ve been able to catch a lizard without injuring it or cutting off part of its tail. At least that’s how it went down for one of the lizards. For the other, it just went down. All the way. He really shouldn’t have pissed me off. And he sure as hell shouldn’t have lunged.




Remember when I told you about the lizard shown above, and how he seemed to be waiting for me to open the back door so that he could waltz into the house? Well his patience and persistence certainly did pay off – for him – as he clearly made it inside while I wasn’t looking. And now he’s an unwanted squatter at the new pad.


He’s fast and he’s very good at hiding. At least I hope he’s a he, as I don’t want that Sticky laying eggs and taking over the joint. I mean really! I read that lizards eat insects, but we don’t have too many of those around, so I’m not sure what he was hoping to gain from coming inside. Maybe news of my awesome a/c repair job got around and he wanted to cool off. Or maybe he’s a beer lover and heard about my supply. Honestly – if I find that lizard sitting on the rumpus room couch, beer in one hand and remote in the other, I may have a conniption fit. Or keel over from laughter.


For now, I’m hoping the little guy gets bored or hungry and heads for an open door, back to the outside world. Nature. I swear.

Hello, Sticky!



Now that Los Angeles is becoming more and more desert-like, I’m starting to see more and more lizards. To that I say, Hello, Sticky!


This not-so-little guy was hanging outside the back door, waiting for someone to open up and give him a primo opportunity to come inside. I don’t blame him. It’s been hot. But if I can work outside and manage to walk all over the danged place in the heat, Sticky can manage, too. At least that’s what I told him. I don’t think he cared much for my bossiness, as he gave me the finger, then walked away.


I’m only  half-kidding about that finger business. I’m fairly certain I saw this little guy flip me off. For reals.

Murder Was the Case That They Gave Me



I didn’t mean to do it. And yet I did.


I found a lizard in the house. In the house, y’all. Since that little guy doesn’t pay rent, he had to go. So Mister and I put a bowl over him and slid a big piece of paper beneath the bowl, capturing the lizard and making it possible to take him outside to set him free. Easy, right?


It was going according to plan and I started to pick up the paper and bowl. The lizard’s weight was a bit more than I’d anticipated and he broke free. I put the bowl back down, hoping to cover him again. But I caught him on his tail. Expecting him to “release” his tail and run free, I tried again to place the bowl over his entire body. And that’s when it happened: I accidentally placed the bowl on his neck. I had killed him.


It really hurt my heart, and as Mister carried the lizard’s limp body to the yard and placed him in the grass, I apologized over and over. At that point, there really was nothing I could do. Mister asked if I would be able to let it go and I assured him that yes, I could. It’s the circle of life, after all.


I continued to feel badly about the whole thing, but I kept it to myself. After a while I told Mister that while I had been the one to deliver the fatal blow, I didn’t really think it was my fault. The way I see it, that little lizard shouldn’t have been in the house in the first place. This isn’t his domain. He screwed up.


I think if I keep telling myself that, I’ll get over my guilt. Poor little lizard.

What The What?



Remember that little guy pictured above? I found him outside my front door. And I liked him.


Cut to yesterday. I walked into the kitchen and there on the rug was a 4-inch version of that outside lizard dude. I did not like him so much.


I stood there a minute or two, trying to figure out what to do. I was next to a cupboard with pie tins, so I grabbed one and went after the little dude. He was super fast, I tell you! But I was faster. Or bigger. Or something. Anyhoo, I managed to get the pie tin over him. Then I slid an empty, flattened cereal box beneath the pie tin and lifted the whole she-bang. I walked straight out the front door and let that lizard dude loose on the grass.


Maybe he’ll grow up big and strong like that little guy above. Maybe he’ll hang outside the front door, too. I’m cool with that. But for cry-eye, please don’t let him sneak back in the house. I nearly had a spell!

In The Garden



It took a while to get back to having a garden (after our tenure in The Hotel), but now we’re fortunate enough to have some greenery around. And this little guy was right outside the front door one recent morning.


I loved the way he balanced on leaves.



But don’t let his light weight fool you. That dude was about 10 inches long.


His name is Rufus.