I saw my therapist a few days ago (no Stevie Wonder sightings this go-round), and she pointed out some very interesting things.
She said I tend to manifest my feelings physically, and that I take a while to metabolize experiences. She continued by saying that I then write stories around those experiences, as a means to processing. And she was right.
We talked some more, and I told her I’d like to be better about how I respond to receiving in life. When those nearest and dearest offer to help me or to simply give to me, I have an extremely difficult time accepting their generosity/help/love/whatever. (I was trained to expect seemingly kind gestures as having ugly strings attached, and so I usually just decline the offer altogether.) When I asked how I could skip my usual response mechanisms and make healthier choices instead, she was really on. She said that as an adult, I’ve installed a new operating system. That operating system has been forged from positive, thoughtful living and is truly good for me. The only problem is, the old operating system – the one borne of messed-up childhood – hasn’t been ripped out and is still in there. Once in a while, the old operating system overrides the new one. Those are the times I don’ t necessarily care for myself in the best ways. She then went on to tell me I will probably always have those two operating systems installed. It’s up to me to manually override the old one to the best of my ability. Hopefully, over time, the new operating system will be the stronger of the two.
We talked about a lot of other issues – my “isms” as I call them – and the session was over. I came home with a little more understanding of how my wackadoo head works. I hugged Mister and, in a way, I hugged myself. I’m not a bad little tree, Charlie Brown. Maybe I just need a little love. And you know what? I’ve got it.