I forget. Often. Not where I left my keys or the phone. Not my name or where I live. I forget joy.
It’s an ugly habit, forgetting joy. I am blessed beyond words and yet I often forget to simply relish every ordinary, uneventful, run-of-the-mill day. Because I am blessed, that means I am forgetting to relish most of my days, for the majority of my life is run-of-the-mill. Wonderfully so.
Cut to an early morning last week. I was sitting in the rumpus room, sipping coffee and thumbing through the latest Oprah magazine and listening to jazz. I could hear hummingbirds wrestling for ownership of the feeder outside the kitchen window. Squirrels were practicing acrobatics in the neighbor’s trees, just within earshot. Mister was taking a shower, down the hall. As I cracked the spine on the mag, I started reading about how others conquer worry and fear in their lives, and as I read, I realized the music was providing the perfect soundtrack to my morning: “Hymn to Freedom” performed by The Roger Kellaway Trio. For just a moment – a moment was all it took – I was present. I felt gratitude. I felt comfort. I felt alive.
I don’t know why I get so wound up. I don’t know why I lose track of my soul. I don’t know why, period. And I don’t like it.
So what can I do about it? How do I stay in touch with my spirit, the spirit that is gratitude and vibrancy? How do I diminish the anxiety, worry and fear that I’ve created in my realm? How do I re-claim me?
I’ve got a few ideas on this front. Maybe dance more. Maybe laugh more. Maybe start meditating. Maybe a lot of things. Only this time – unlike so many times before – maybe I’ll actually do some of these things and not just think about them. Maybe I’ll set a timer for 2 minutes and just laugh. Maybe I’ll set a timer for 5 minutes and just meditate. Can’t I spare 7 damn minutes a day, for my sanity?
When I think about my state of being, how it feels to be on edge most of the time, I can’t believe I even have to deliberate over setting aside a few minutes a day for myself. This life is all too short, and Lord knows I’ve wasted far too much of it already. I pray I can actually commit this time. I pray I can care enough for myself to make me a priority and to save me from, well, from me and my neuroses.
I do love this world and this life, y’all. In fact, I think now would be a good time to take a super-long walk. For exercise. For deep breathing. For me. And that’s the best reason of all.