It started again, just as it has since 2010.
A couple of weeks before Rock Camp, I begin having odd dreams. Dreams that find me feeling inadequate, with little or nothing to offer. For example, the other night I dreamt I was in a war-torn country, unable to speak the language, desperate to flee. In an effort to escape the dangers around me, I found a wonderful group of women. Though I could not communicate with them, they sheltered me and endeavored to save me. I trusted them – blindly – and followed their lead. Then I woke, unsure if the dream-me ever managed to find safety.
This is the sort of dream I’m having each night. No matter the stage or setting, I find myself feeling lost. I also find myself surrounded by competent women. I can’t claim I feel envy or jealousy during these dreams, but I do feel small. Self-doubt creeps in, too. It’s hard to shake those feelings during the day. And I don’t care for that. I truly don’t.
This will be my 6th year volunteering at Rock Camp. And you’d think I’d have learned by now to chill the hell out. As much as my daily demeanor says I have learned, my dreams indicate otherwise. I am as scared now as I was back in 2010.
I wonder if I’m the only volunteer who goes through this sort of fraidy-cat, self-doubt thing. Hmm…